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Women can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Being the proud owner of one heck of a vagina it goes against everything I stand for turning on my fellow ladies and writing this blog. However great journalists like myself know that great stories and lessons are found in places we don’t wish to venture, so I ventured and over the past week I have spoken to broken, frustrated and confused men regarding their experience with the opposite sex.

Ever dated a guy and all of a sudden he ignores you, moves to Mexico and changes his name? Me too hun so uncool. As sweet old Donald Trump still hasn’t managed to erect that wall of his to stop our boys from running away how about we sit down, take off our false eyelashes and maybe look at where we went wrong, so that we can ensure our guy stays and “Grabs us by the pussy“.

We should look on this blog as a reference or guide to how not to piss off our man, or if you want to piss him off this will also work.

#1 Nagging 

I like to think were just being helpful, but apparently not. Guys hate when girls keep telling them again and again to do certain things, sometimes he just wants to leave the toilet seat up hun, so put it down yourself and take your sh*t, don’t have a shit attack at him.

#2 Flirting with other Guys

I know your only flirting with that guy cause you want a free drink and don’t want to be taking all of your boys hard earned cash but guys don’t see it that way oddly enough, who’d of thought. In fact they see this as immature and even disrespectful. Flirting with another man wont make him want you more, unless your like a 8.5/10 then you can really do whatever you want and he’ll still want to bone you. Fact.

#3 Clingy 

#4 PDA

#5 Kiss and Tell 

Every relationship has its highs and lows. Lads like to keep it to themselves and figure it out from there. Girls have a group whatsapp, a post on twitter and a book about how shitty their boyfriend is ready to be published, all because he watched an episode of Black Mirror without you. Shameful.

But seriously no matter how crap of a time your having, or how your sex lives make Fifty Shades look like an episode of Winnie the Pooh your guy doesn’t want the world to know. So dun do bheal.

#6 Vanity

#7 Over Dramatic

I’ve wanted to use this gif for so long kills me. And you know what else kills over dramatic women. Crying to Marley and Me, sure he has the tissues ready, crying at the new burger king ad cause they’ve upped the price, not so understandable despite how succulent those burgers are.

Guys are simple creatures, when they say something that’s pretty much what they mean. There’s no hidden code you need to crack. He is not a Sudoku. When he says “ok” he means 9/10 times hes “ok” with the scenario, so don’t question what does ok mean, and why ok and not perfect just breath, take your crazy pills and just be ok with ok.

Here are other things we do that guys hate, because it appears women are easy to hate:

  1. Don’t talk when I’m playing xbox or watching something that interests me

  2. Don’t leave me with a hard-on

  3. Don’t ask if you look fat

  4. Don’t not order food and then eat mine

  5. Don’t ask if your prettier then someone

  6. Don’t bring up your exs

  7. Don’t make a big deal about needing to be respected and send me nudes before we’ve met in person

  8. Don’t wear too much perfume I want to be able to see you before I smell you

  9. Don’t wear so much make up that I wake up beside a different person I went to bed with

I got some lovely dating disasters sent to me and I tried to bunch them in as best as I could to a particular issue that would be general enough so us ladies could relate.

This particular dating disaster was, well one of a kind and made me laugh too much not to share. No Names mentioned as promised.

So we had been talking on Tinder for awhile, thought she was really smart and cute. She made a big deal before we met up that she was very religious and that nothing would happen. I didn’t much care, though I shaved the serpent anyway…so were at her place watching a movie and she is making moves and next second were kissing and grinding and its really hot. She all of a sudden jumps off me and says she needs to grab something upstairs. Shes up there for what feels like half hour, i’m half excited that I might be getting lucky and half terrified she might be getting a blade to kill me, could really go either way. So she comes downstairs and she has a go at me saying we can’t be at that as its against her beliefs and that I would need calm down or leave. I was perplexed but was like she had the pizza in the oven I’m not going, so just said sorry? Two minutes later she jumps me again, I feel in her pocket and I pull out condoms. Now this is where it gets really weird. I was like ehhh thought we werent having sex, and she said it was in case God made a different plan, suddenly I felt very holy. So up on my lap she pops again, and then all of a sudden out of no where she leaves off a massive fart, she ignores it. I am a lad, I fart but this made my stomach turn I knew I should have left then and there but I kept going which I’m so ashamed of. Then she leaves off another one and I push her off me, eyes burning. I was nice enough saying I needed to go, needed to leave the gas chamber. She spends next five minutes begging me to fart on her to make it even? I am too ashamed to say what happened next.

That made me cry and has no real relevance to this blog unless you are a girl who has gastric issues, if you are this girl reading this, your secret is safe with me.

#women #intimacy #men #sex #advice #relationships #lessons #mistakes #love #values #breakup