This is no tale of dragons and demons, no this is something far worse, far more sinister and twisted, this is the true story of The Fear.
Growing up in Ireland I’ve no doubt your mother or father would have probably told you this story whilst tucking you into your Groovy Chick or Manchester United quilt covers. These stories are passed on from generation to generation with the sole purpose of warning children of the very real dangers in the world. However as we grow up and mature, and these stories become fable, we often forget about The Fear and his associates the Boogy-Man, the Monster under the bed and Larry Murphy.
The average person will encounter the fear approximately 4-5 times in their lifetime. The first encounter will usually occur in your early twenties. Just like losing your virginity for the first time your first confrontation with The Fear will be much the same: scary and short lived. There are support groups in place who can help you with The Fear. These include the great guys at Lucozade, Your wan down the local who makes them good rolls and your friends. The first time will be the most difficult but I assure you they will get easier, how do I know? Because I’m a survivor.
So what is the The Fear?
The Fear by definition is “When you wake up after a night out filled with a deep feeling of regret and shame with no recollection of the night before“. To make matters worse there is no real way of detecting when and if The Fear has picked you as its target until its all too late. While the fear is unpreventable we can be prepared for its arrival.
Now all I can provide are the tools, its up to you the reader to incorporate these into your night out routines to keep yourselves and your social standing intact.
There are a few things to be conscious of early on in the night that may make you and your mates more susceptible to being targeted by The Fear.
We all know if you say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror in the Dark then some young wan crawls out of the mirror and bates ya, well the following lines work much the same with The Fear; “Will we go out for one” or “I’m not drinking tonight lads”.
Does one of the boys seem overly confident in his XS Muscle Tee and his new Lynx Africa that he is going pull? Pray for him because that boy has sealed his fate.
Are you not even an hour into pres and one the girls is yapping about her ex despite the relationship being done for over a year, I’m sorry she too is utterly fucked.
If your in college period.
Finding embarrassing texts on your phone to your crush.
Waking up with a mouth like sandpaper
When your friends repeat the life shattering things you did last night and you don’t recall a thing
Waking up in an unknown location
Finding pictures of yourself online like this (photocred Shiv Hennessy)
Waking up beside someone you’ve never seen in your life
You’ll smell of a mixture of Supermac’s and bad decisions creating the sweet Perfume known as Shame
You get an offer from MTV to join the G-Shore Cast
If these sound familiar then I’m sorry to say The Fear has you, but it will pass, until then ring your Nan and get her to light a candle at mass and wait this out.