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“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”- Bill Clinton

With an outdated sex-ed system running in schools and overly active pubescent boys and girls watching hardcore porn on the internet (all for educational purposes I’m sure) its no wonder we are a bit lost when it comes to our boudoir expectations.

I’m going to divide this blog into three sections

  1. Life before the Big Bang

  2. Entering the Chamber of Secrets

  3. Practice makes Perfectish

Life before the Big Bang

So your Teacher Mrs. MyhusbandandIdontfuckanymore is at the board drawing up the male and female reproduction system. Nervous giggles and excitement fill the air. Finally the diagram is revealed, one resembles something like a Rams head the other an over used sock. She wipes her sweaty upper lip and tells you “the penis will enter the vagina and discharge sperm, you lie their utterly unsatisfied and your husband will fall asleep”. Okay so maybe not exactly like that but its very black and white, there’s a Penis, a Vagina and Sperm.

Most importantly do it when your ready and with someone you feel comfortable with. There’s no wrong or right time to do it, but maybe don’t give it to Randy Mandy behind the GAA center.

Entering the Chamber of Secrets

If your partner in sexual crime has managed to pick up a euro bag of nightlight candles and has Marvin Gaye playing in the background (cringe) then consider yourself lucky as time, effort and thought has been put into this. If, however there is anymore effort then this put in you probably have a serial killer on your hands so make your first time a belter cause he’s going to murder you after, but sure look on the bright side you didn’t die a virgin . For those who manage to bed a mentally stable person there’s a few truths you ought to know. Now I’m no expert, far from it, I lost mine in my twenties with someone I loved and who had already seen me at my worst so disappointment was not anything new to him #shoutouttomyex.

You’ve just checked your watch and look at that it’s sexy time! Here is a general run down of the art of mating:

  1. A Game of Hide and Seek

I am a Catholic, love God but I don’t know why his divinity made women with so many holes was he designing a mini golf course? So your not on talking terms with your Vagina not to worry you’ll quickly know from his prodding about its existence, it really is a case of hit and miss so don’t worry if it takes a while for him to find Wally.

2. Houstan, the eagle has landed.

When it finally does go in it can be uncomfortable at the start, there may even be a little blood, but girl red is your color so you rock that shit. Speaking of rocking that’s pretty much what he is probably doing. He will resemble something like a fish battling for life when tossed up on shore, or you know when you see an elderly person falling asleep standing up and they kinda just sway back and forth, yeah well that’s whats happening right now sweetheart. *Disclaimer try not to picture the granddad wobbling back and forth whilst your having sex as this may decrease arousal.

3. All good things must come to an end

Unless your male compadre is not new to the Will Smith Lets get Jiggy with it scene he probably will only last to the first chorus of that song. And what an anthem it is. But you most likely wont be singing his praises later #Punintended. But don’t be disappointed, 99% of peoples first time ends exactly on the same note #somanymusicpuns.

But worry not, like his willy things are about to look up.

Practice makes Perfectish

So you’ve had sex a few times, you have experienced some epic fails and some amazing highs, finally you’re now probably aware of the realities of sex and have debonked all the myths and rumors which surround it. Here’s what you should now know:

  1. You and your vagina will find a newfound friendship: Before sex you didnt care much when your period would come, in fact you probably found it bothersome. Now when you’re actively having sex you’re probably counting down the days till you’re next one, and when you see it you cant help but want to give your fanny a well deserved high five. 

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