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How To Get Over Your Ex

So I’ve educated you on Sugar Daddies, Tinder, Fuck Boys, The Perfect Woman and even how to get your Crushes Attention, however I failed to inform you about Getting over your Ex.

Perhaps I wasn’t myself ready, experienced enough or educated sufficiently to advise on such a tender topic. However, today I hope to rectify this mishap that see’s Ben & Jerry’s sales sky rocket, has the Notebook being the Number One trending Movie on Netflix and lastly leaves you looking like an extra from the Exorcist.

Below is some advice for getting over The Breakup:

It’ll Pass: The first few days to a month following your breakup will be the most emotionally turbulent and will have friends and family fearing for your sanity. Here is just a few things you should expect:

Weight Loss: For some unknown almost evolutionary reason when we get our hearts broken we decide to unconsciously starve ourselves. Although it lacks scientific backing I personally believe this is your bodies way of shedding the pounds you gained whilst being in the relationship which see’s most couples gaining apx 2 stone. Us Scientists like to call this the 3 in 1 effect (for discount code for Chinese Garden please see end page). This self-starvation eventually results in you looking like something off the Trocaire Box but less sun kissed.

You Become A Compulsive Liar: I really believe this image below embodies exactly what I was trying to communicate here.

You Develop A Love For Nickleback: If you find yourself humming along to “How You Remind Me” or “Photograph” please go seek medical help urgently.

Time Is The Greatest Healer

Accepting its over is hard. But please I implore you accept it. Don’t do what all others have done before you, let’s stop the trend and not text them a million times and stalk them so well that the FBI are looking to recruit you. Everyday it gets a little easier and in no time at all you’ll find yourself over it. Here are some simple and effective tools to help you along your lonely way:

Embrace it: Allow your nose be filled with both crusty and wet snots, wear your unwashed hair in a bun, put on them faded butterfly knickers your mum bought you in a multi-pack from Pennies eight years ago and text all your homies looking for sympathetic comments like “She’s a slag mate” or “He looked like your cousin”.

Block Them: This is often regarded as being the controversial option. People don’t want to delete their ex because they are scared they look like they’re bothered,  and they want to know when that side-chick/dick makes her/his debut.

However removing them really is the best option.

Remove them: Yes being able to look back at parts of your relationship fondly is amazing and I encourage it, but keeping articles that remind you of them is not.  They ain’t dead, so whats with the shrine? The only thing deceased is your relationship so its time to depart from the physical reminders and send Casper the ghost on his friendly little way.

Ignore The Whispers: So some time has passed and they’ve moved on with someone else. It happens. It sucks and sometimes unavoidable to hear. All you really can do is embrace it and spread rumors on how small his junk is or how she tried to stab you like four times. The occasional prank call is also acceptable if you can disguise your voice successfully and disarm your caller ID, anyone who does not hold a minimum secondary degree level of education I would suggest maybe avoiding this as its probably beyond your mental capabilities (Those studying technology in I.T’s this is also directed at you).

  1. Sending them anonymously a Nickleback mix tape so they are deafened. 

  1. Getting a new look, nothing screams I’m over you like a newly grown beard or bangs.

  1. Sleep with their friends, always works a charm.

  1. Catfish him so you are reunited by these two fools 

Disclaimer: I do not genuinely promote in any shape or form the majority of the above. Please don’t sue me if the advice goes horribly wrong for you. Thank you and stay stun hun.

#breakups #attention #sex #advice #relationships #girlfriend #boyfriend #lessons #love