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How To Become Instagram Famous

Who cares about having goals and ambitions. Harvard who?

No today’s world has no space for the intellectuals, smart people are ugly and ugly people don’t get followers. If your not hot there’s no hope for you so you may as well go back to your library nerd. If on the other hand your genetically blessed or have super flattering lighting in your house and a fundamental understanding of Snapchat filters read on bitch. Mwah. 

One: If It Goes In Your Belly It Goes On Instagram

Girls honestly it just makes fucking sense. Always follow the Rule of W.

Who were you with: Only tag if they are cool. If they are not cool they don’t exist, unless your followers think they are less fortunate and your doing some form of charity work, if so milk that for all its worth honey (soy milk only dairy makes you bloat).

Where did you go: For example you went to Starbucks. I want to see how that illiterate struggling actress spelled your name incorrectly on your Soy Mocha Frappe Latte No Sugar No Calories No Hate Privileged Bitch Cappuccino.

What you ate: Obviously you didn’t eat cause calories are left for natures rejects so they can eat their emotions, but post that pizza anyway so people think you ate it and hate you for still having a hot bod.

Two: Sell Yourself

Prostitution remains the longest running and most profitable business in the world and hun let us pray that it may never change.

Nothing screams I respect myself quite like a sultry selfie. Personally I like to leave a little mystery to my own snaps so its either your showing ass or tits, don’t do both cause the unattractive jealous people will troll and slut sham you. Ignorant or wah?

If however you have relations on Instagram (if you’re over 30 and on Instagram you should really take a good hard look at yourself grandpa) and don’t want to post a picture which may produce some awkward glances at your annual gathering then I suggest you opt for the “Fashion Influencer Character”. This is a clever little tactic to hide the fact you too are just uploading selfies. To the untrained eye it’ll seem like your just super into clothes, and being edgy and on trend when really your just uploading selfie after selfie showcasing how hot and skinny you are but hiding behind cleverly curated tags #wowstunning.

Three: Brand On Board

No DM’s or free shit being delivered to your house yet? Not to worry.

Most girls you see on Insta promoting items such as contour kits have actually bought these themselves (with their parents cash because hot girls don’t work we insta-model). This is a great way to fool people into believing you’ve been sent these goods so they follow you under the false pretense that your relevant. Go for a safe option first until you really nail your duck pout. Id recommend a Fit Tea or Teeth Whitening kit, neither will wash you out and can be used at a multitude of angles. Don’t worry that they don’t work, just lie its so easy, sure nothing on social media is real anyway, only the followers.

Four: Filter

The objective is to look completely unrecognizable and flawless. Id recommend Photoshopping followed by at least a dozen filters. If you are having a bad skin day (stay indoors you monster) and no amount of lighting adjustments and makeup seem to be keeping you at an 8/10  you have only two options here.

If someone try’s to call you out, report their Instagram page and get all your followers to do the same. Interacting with your followers is key to a successful Instagram page. It makes them feel important and alludes them into believing that they might have a chance with you. As if.

Option Two is to post a inspiring picture.

I usually like to caption this something like hot dogs or legs so people think I’m funny or put some inspirational quote I robbed off some other wanna-be’s page. Sorry not sorry.

If after all this you still find yourself under 1000 followers, struggling to get over 50 likes on a picture and only have foreigners (for some reason usually from India) writing to you then its probably time to call it a day an accept your going no where in life and will probably die alone or just end up settling with some guy you met on an online dating site you desperate fuck. Otherwise you can pull a Kim Kardashian and make a home video and who knows maybe one day i’ll be watching you on E  and you’ll become a role-model to young women all over the world.

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