ANOTHER BASIC WHITE GIRL 

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Foolproof tips to get his Attention

There is nothing in the world that makes me shudder away in disgust quite like when a fellow female posts a soppy quote on her Instagram or Facebook stating to the entire world how terribly single she is, how badly her ex has hurt her and how she’s already started her Crazy Cat Lady Collection. Don’t be a Debbie Downer, it’s not cute and its not going to make you happy.

Like what is this even?

I honestly can’t contain myself. “Today my forest is dark“, what are you even on about love, what forest? If you’re referring to a Dark Forest Chocolate Gateau than I am in total support, but it just sounds like you haven’t got your bit in a while and things are beyond overgrown below and need a good trimming/deforestation. “..All the butterflies have broken wings“, hate to break it to you but that just sounds like you have a bad case of gas babe.

These diabolic quotes are not going to solve your issues, only time and your own ability to process and accept the circumstances. Once you have dealt with these issues that caused you to ever post such shit and are ready to move on follow the tips below to get those butterflies fluttering.

  1. Focus on what you’re dealing with

Men are simple creatures. They live by the Law of the Quadruple S: Shit, Shower, Shave and Shag. You are not a toilet, you can’t produce warm water, and though your new shellac is super tough it’s not going to get rid of his face pubes, so you fit into the shag category, go you girlfriend!

So how do you get the shag and trap him into a relationship? Just keep on reading stun hun.

2. Laugh at his jokes

He says his name, laugh, he asks you for yours, laugh, he asks if your okay, laugh. Guys love when a girl finds them funny! Any girl can laugh at his joke, therefore you must out laugh the other bitch. I suggest you practice breathing exercises before you partake in a laugh off.  If he walks away, this is just part of the act of courtship, follow him and continue laughing baby.

3. Live by the saying Less is More

I swear by this, it always works the trick! Boys love seeing your skin, it makes them think about you being in your birthday suit (even though your birthday is months away), feel free to slip a nipple or two (three for the extra exotic lady)! If you don’t feel like blowing the dosh on some see-through pieces don’t fret. How about you suggest a date to the seaside? You’d be surprised how many nudist beaches there are, here’s a cheeky link to find one in your vicinity http://www.freebeach.com.au/nude-beaches/

4. Befriend his friends

He being a bit shy? Playing a little too hard to get? Not to worry that man will be yours in a hurry!

A great way to reaffirm to him that you are indeed “the one” is getting in close with his friends. Stalk your boos Facebook, if your blocked, or unfriended (all part of the chase) use a friends page to look through who his closest friends are. Now learn their movements. You might see that they regularly hit a certain bar, perhaps they’ve stated they’re out tonight? Well shave your legs doll cause you too are out tonight with the Bois.

Best not directly going up to them stating who you are, guys like a little mystery.

No instead make eye contact, accidentally bang into them, drug their drinks. Soon you’ll have a new crew (be sure to take loads of pictures with them and post over all social media platforms) and your boo will be confident with their acceptance of your’s and his new-found love.

5. Ask him for his help

You always see it in Love Advice columns, where they state that guys love when his woman is helpless. So lets bring out your man’s protective instinct in him. Depend on him for something, and he’ll feel more connected to you. Ask for his help with shaving you back or rewriting the last episode of Pretty Little Liars. He’ll feel more protective towards you. Guys like feeling important and dependable, and if you subtly give him a chance to impress you or show off his masculinity, he’ll enjoy the attention and the time he spends with you. Bish Bosh!

6.  Make Love

So he’s still showing signs of resistance? Perfect this is exactly where you want to be. This means he’s near giving up and subduing to you. Now its time to get jiggy with it. Just offering sex to your man is one thing, but every guy loves when he isn’t expecting sex off his little flower and is surprised by it. My advice, break into his house and wait for him to come home, wear something that’s really going to arouse him, I like to take my inspiration from Offred from A Handmaids Tale hashtag Blessed Be the fruit.

7. He likes someone else

I hate when women don’t build up other woman. Its disgusting. So the fact that this biotch is ignoring how perfect you and your babe are together means she is totally not a feminist and hence not your soul sister.

If she had any common sense she would make way for the modern-day Bella and Edward, the fact that she hasn’t makes me believe she’s the Jacob in your perfect fairy-tale ending, so its time to put that dog down.

If  after all of this you don’t have a ring around your finger, I’m afraid that you are going to die alone. Sorry not sorry. Stay Stun Hun.

#attention #sex #advice #relationships #lessons #love