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Feeling Hot Hot Hot

Relationships are wonderful things. However after you’ve been with someone for a prolonged period of time the desire to bump uglies can dwindle. This can come about due to a number of factors which include decreased libido, a change in your sexual orientation or the fact you now have reached a level where you are comfortable enough taking a dump in front of each other.

Now as I’ve read like ten Cosmo Magazines and took a Buzzfeed quiz that said I should be a Therapist I feel like I’m probably more then qualified to offer my readers advice on their sexual exploits.

Sex is the fundamental factor to maintaining a happy and healthy relationship, fuck communication and mutual respect.

Here are a list of some moves and tricks to incorporate into the bedroom to turn your Mild Chicken Masala sex life into a Spicy Shish Kebab. Thank me later.

1. Dress Up

It’s nice to dress up for your partner every now and then. It makes you feel desirable and will make your partner desperate to serve you up some of his Vanilla loving. Get ready for some missionary-doggy-missionary-sleep kinda shit honey. Why not wear those yoga pants you wear 24/7 despite not ever going to the gym and add a little more sudocrem to your face for that extra va-va-voom!

2. Me, myself and I 

3.I do Pilates 

4. Cockadoodledoo

When we start having regular sex with someone why is it that it becomes an activity kept until night time? Seeing as you have already seen each other naked why are we hiding in the dark, we’re not Nocturnal and we’re not Vampires (I want to suck your…*Read in Transylvanian accent) so why not incorporate it into your morning routine? Simply have some mints by the bed and set your alarm ten minutes earlier (Let’s be realistic here fellas).

5.  Leave the Bedroom

I know you just recently purchased a very expensive memory foam mattress but when your just doing it in bed all the time, well it can be anything but memorable. I’m not suggesting you go do it in public cause frankly no one wants to see a bare white ass, they’re just not very friendly looking. I’m suggesting more on the lines of on your couch whilst watching a movie, its why the pause button exists, do it while your waiting for that microwave popcorn to pop, and you’ll probably have time to spare.

6. And the Oscar goes to

Mr.Christian Grey and that shit actress

Pizza delivery guy who is gross and around fifty with young attractive girl who fell into the porn industry due to Daddy issues

Donald Trump and his Toupee

Donald Trump and his Ego

Kevin Spacey and…too far I’m sorry.

Hope this helps. See ya wouldn’t want to be ya. 

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